sier96: (butterfly)
Sometimes I think I really fail at life. Then I realize I'm still alive, so actually I've failed at dying. I can live with that :)

sier96: (butterfly)
I had the worst case of anxiety in a long time yesterday. Had to take the pills, had to control breathing, had to sit on my hands because they were shaking so badly, and so on. And I'm not even fully sure where it came from. I got through it anyway, and today is a better day :)
I'm so stable, on my scale, nowadays, that these things hit hard simply because I'm not expecting them like I used to. Of course I know all my disorders are there, and I'm not mentally healthy, never will be... but when the calmer time is longer, the highs and lows feel bigger when they come, if that makes sense.

sier96: (butterfly)
We were visiting my sister and her family (met my brother and my parents too) last weekend. I woke up in a very irritated mood on Saturday and with a horrible headache. Then the others decided to make a few hour trip to Naantali, which is a little under hour's drive from Salo, where we were. At that point I tried to say it wasn't a good idea for me to go, but they talked me into it anyway... (read: they didn't really listen to me) Putting a Buffy picture here, this is how I looked:

So, we left and stopped at IKEA to eat (they serve pretty decent food that doesn't cost much), and somehow all my frustration, anxiety, headache (yeah, still, even with pain-pills) and whiny kids, almost broke me down. I was an inch away from either screaming my lungs out or sitting on the floor crying. In Buffy pictures, about in this state:

At that moment my husband realized I really wasn't okay, and told me to take something (meds) if I had them with me. I did, and I sat down and downed three Diazepams with juice. They helped me through IKEA :) (There was a bright point with that visit. I found curtains for our living room REALLY cheap. The fabric cost 0,95 euros/meter, which is like... nothing)
I took two more pills in Naantali, and I survived the trip without making a scene. Back at my sister's, I talked to them, and said that I understand how they think I'm mostly all right most of the time, but they should still believe when I say I'm not up to some trip or something else. My moods can change very quickly to VERY bad sometimes, and if I hadn't had my meds with me, they would've had an ugly scene at IKEA...

Otherwise I loved seeing everyone there, and my niece and nephew liked the gifts we brought them from London. Still, being at home again is extremely nice :) My own bed, my own things, peace and quiet...

I hope you all are doing well in your own lives, with your own problems. *hugs and strength to you all*

sier96: (this sucks)
Why oh why do I never learn... *sigh*
I should by now know not to read certain kinds of news or articles or books. There are a few things that trigger either depression or anxiety for me, and usually I manage to stay away from them. To most people they wouldn't seem like a big deal at all, but my mind works weirdly.

Anyway, all I did, was read an article on a magazine. It was about a family, just the usual stuff, but they had lost a baby, who had only lived for ten days. That's all there was to the story, and yet it sent me into hugely angsty state. I started thinking of the miscarriage I had between my two kids. That was bad, but then my mind jumped to the idea of losing my son or daughter. I was picturing myself hearing that one of them had died and all. I started crying and it took me a good while to calm down.


My mind just does these weird leaps and takes me to places where I don't want to go. I really should try to stay away from that kind of articles etc. Thing is, I don't always know what there is when I start to read, and when I realize it, it's too late. This is probably very ridiculous to most, and actually for me too. I just wish this wouldn't happen...
sier96: (sunheart)

I was released from the hospital on Friday. They changed my antidepressant to a new one and added some more Lithium again, since the blood test showed that there was room for it. I had some very helpful chats with the nurses and the doctor, and I do feel a lot better.

I have to thank everyone who sent me messages or e-mails. It's nice to know people care. Extra thanks and my gratitude go to [ profile] framedinlove  who called me twice and made my day on both times, and to [ profile] obvmluver , who provided the much needed distraction from the boring hospital life with IM:n with me every day. I love you both to pieces :)

I'm not sure how my mental health will continue to be, but I'm hoping the eleven days in hospital weren't for nothing.

sier96: (write)

I told you that I've been having clear signs of depression. Well, I talked with a doctor and he agreed with me that the sort of emergency antidepressant isn't enough, and we (together) decided that I need to take more Lithium. In Finland the drug is called Lito, and it's a lithium-carbonate product, that is used in treating bipolar disorder. It works well for me, with no huge side effects. Okay, so I will be more medicated, but at least I won't feel like I'm in a mood-roller coaster all the time, and hopefully my desire to self harm will lessen. I haven't cut in few months, mostly because it's so f*cking hard to explain to my kids why I do it. That is the number one reason that keeps me from cutting. Main thing is that something stops me, I guess.

So yes, today's word is Lithium. I know this is a weird post, but what the heck, I know you won't mind much :) Thanks, everyone, for being such supportive people. *hugs*

And to fit the theme word... Evanescence: Lithium, and yes, in true Spuffy style :)

sier96: (snow)
...if not well.
Sotia already wondered where have I been, and few others as well. My bipolar disorder has been acting up lately, pushing me into depression. That has brought sleeping and eating problems to me, and I have been really tired. I've had enough strength to take care of our kids, but other than that I haven't done anything else than angsting over things, crying, reading some, and escaping reality in any way I can.

I just need to get over this thing, again, and start living. Writing, laughing, talking etc.
And I really hope that starting a medication for just depression, on top of my bipolar meds, will do the trick, with some talking to professionals.

Well, that's that.
I want to wish a happy winter to everyone, whether you have snow or not, cold or warm.
This pic has one of the most beautiful things in the world, Northern Lights, or Aurora Borealis. I've seen them a few times in my life, and they just took my breath away. I always think snow and freezing cold weather when I think of them, so I wanted to put a pic of those here with my winter wishes.
Have great holidays, eat well, have fun with your families and all that :)


Dec. 11th, 2008 06:16 pm
sier96: (Default)
This is really starting to piss me of! I have suffered four months of sleeping trouble. I basically stay awake almost every other night. Finally I had to give up and ask for sleeping pills. They help, but when I tried to sleep first night without guessed it, no sleep at all until 7 am. I don´t know anymore what to do. I don´t want to be depended of sleeping pills for the rest of my pitiful existence, but is there some other solution? Maybe I just need to go to the mental hospital (again) for awhile? They could possibly help me with some therapy and drugs (oh I so am ready for that if it helps me sleep). But that means I would have to be away from my kids and Rami(the husband). They only visit every other day when I´m in there. Well, I just have to think about it, think just how bad things are or aren´t. So, big time thinking for me, I so need a good, happy, fluffy Fic to cheer me up! Spuffy of course =)


sier96: (Default)

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